Classically Handsome Features

Characterization

Have you ever had one moment of a conversation stand out to you? Something that you remember for years afterwards?

Maybe you can’t remember the entire context of the conversation, but there’s a key piece that lingers.

I’ve been thinking a lot about a compliment a friend gave me a while back. It was in May of 2024, after one of the fighting practices I attend, some friends and I were at a pizza place making idle conversation. While the exact topic eludes me, I remember a compliment that I was given vividly.

My friend said that I had “classically handsome features”.

I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t take this as a compliment. I thought maybe they were taking a jab at how I style myself, implying I was out of touch, or maybe they were just making a joke at my expense. I remember getting a tad defensive and it dampened my mood.

There was something about that compliment that really stuck with me. When I think back to other times that I’ve been called “handsome”, I remember having a pretty similar reaction. I would think that the other person was just being nice, or that they were trying to make me feel better about myself, but deep down they were snickering, laughing, taunting.

But obviously friends wouldn’t trick me like that; they are genuine in their compliments.

I have a generally poor view of my own body image; I don’t really like the way that I look. I am fairly certain I have some flavor of body dysmorphia.

This has been a consistency throughout my life. I’ve had trouble taking compliments in the past, and to an extent I still do.

Perception

There are other descriptors I’m not the biggest fan of as well. I would have about the same reaction when people would call me “strong” or “tough”.

The more thought I put into these descriptors of myself that I didn’t agree with, the more I realized they were very masculine-coded.

Quick tangent, I’m stubborn. Folks have spoken to me about this before, but I have a habit of justifying staying comfortable.

As much as I dislike masculine descriptors, feminine descriptors don’t sit that well with me in a similar way.

For several years, I’ve identified as nonbinary (He/They). I’ve struggled with my own expectations and stereotypes associated with that identity. However, I understood that I could identify however I want and present however I choose. My identity doesn’t owe anyone any specific kind of presentation!

I can be a well-built person and not be strictly male.

As uncomfortable as it would make me, I can have body hair as a masculine person and still be nonbinary.

I can wear my t-shirt and jeans, have stereotypical “dad” fashion, and just tell others I’m nonbinary.

I can swing entirely in one direction and be an adonis, but also not be male.

But I tried that, and I would still struggle with self-acceptance issues as far as I presented myself, and I still felt horrible about myself.

I came to realize that I held a negative view about my own masculinity.

A few years back, I thought that maybe I’d lean into some kind of hybrid approach, try being less masculine and adopt some traditionally non-masculine styling. I was going to experiment and change myself, see if making minor tweaks in my appearance would make me feel any better.

All around, I just upped my fashion. I felt better about myself for sure, but things still felt… awkward. Folks around me approved and complimented me, and these felt easier to accept; it felt like some of my work was paying off. Sure, there was still a weird lingering feeling but it was less, as if some of the noise was filtered out.

Then, I got a few compliments in particular that stuck with me. A friend who had been talking to me about my fashion said I was a hot… alternative guy…

Another had mentioned that I’m going through my goth guy era.

These all felt very similar to being called “handsome”, and anytime I got a compliment like this, I felt a pit form in my stomach; the comments just felt wrong.

I didn’t understand why they felt incorrect, I didn’t understand why I still disliked the way I looked. I know that I would feel much more comfortable if I was just less… masculine.

I’m quite stubborn.

Confusion

I was so confused; looking at myself filled me with a mix of disgust and anger. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t see myself the way that others saw me…

Another quick tangent: Something positive I’ll say about myself, which you may or may not have heard me say, is that I’m something of an athlete.

Maybe I could fix these problems I saw in myself naturally.

In an effort to make myself leaner, I started exercising more frequently, specifically focusing on cardio/stamina and fat loss. Pair that with a healthier diet, and it’s a good recipe for change. After all, nothing will change unless I take the steps to make the change myself.

After a few months, it’s noticeable; others are commenting on my weight, the scale reads lower and lower, I go down a shirt size or two.

I look at pictures of myself and am noticeably thinner.

However, nothing really changed about how I feel (emotionally). I would still look at myself at the end of the day and feel extremely… gross…

Still fat, still oddly shaped, still disgusting.

I am self-aware enough to understand that these are simply untrue, negative thoughts, but they seem to be ever-present unless I distract myself with something or have some kind of clarity.

I think I have the most mental clarity in the mornings, usually right after I wake up; I remember waking up one morning, and looking in the mirror, I could see each bone on my ribcage, and there was only a small amount of fat on my stomach. I wasn’t underweight, but I certainly was not overweight.

Maybe I had some loose skin around my abdomen from being heftier when I was younger, and maybe there was a small amount of fat still present, but I was not overweight.

I stood there, looking in the mirror, wondering, debating with myself, perplexed.

Why did I think about myself the way I did? It was all so confusing and I hated being confused.

Innocence

I agreed to watch a friend’s dog for a few weeks in the late spring of 2025.

Prior to watching their dog, we had scheduled a playdate, a really simple trip to the park with both of our pets.

I don’t think I’ll forget that trip to the dog park.

Myself, my friend, his partner, their child, and each of our dogs.

Their child was only a few years old. They were playing around with the few words and sounds they knew; almost every sentence that came out of their mouth was brand new, never spoken before.

While the dogs were playing, I was speaking with my friend about… something… I can’t exactly remember what, but what I do remember is the child coming up to us, and looking at me.

The father said, “Look, it’s Mona! Can you say Mona?”. The child giggled and looked away, either embarrassed, or too shy to speak.

“Say, Uncle Mona! It’s Uncle Mona!” The father spoke playfully to the child, smiling. I was stunlocked.

Suddenly, in an instant, my heart was beating faster, my mind started racing.

    That’s not right.

    Why is that not right?

    Do I look weird?

    Is it an age thing?

    Why does that feel wrong?

I blinked; it had been a few seconds, which is several seconds longer than I think anyone would normally think about being called “Uncle”. I don’t even think the child responded, just as I had come out of my stupor, the words were spoken aloud again.

“Uncle Mona!” he said, encouraging the child.

I’d never been pulled back down so fast, so quickly.

    That’s not right.

    That’s not right.

    Why am I putting so much thought into this?

    What’s wrong with me?

After another thought spiral that I would argue does not normally happen with such small comments, I managed to shake it off, but it lingered.

Honestly, that’s where my memory of that playdate stops. I may have been less talkative for the remainder, but I know I just wanted to leave.

Clarity

I started doing research. I wanted to understand. I wanted to not be confused.

After several hours, I made an appointment.

I wasn’t going to be stubborn anymore; I was going to find clarity, and I was going to trust my own judgement.

Leading up to the appointment, and for several weeks following, I would talk to a subset of my friends about my feelings, my thoughts, and my experiences. I wanted to gather as much information as possible; I wanted to learn from others.

That is to say, on June 6th of 2025, I started undergoing hormone replacement therapy in an effort to feel more comfortable in my own body.

Anyways, I wanted to write about and share only a few of the thoughts and feelings I had leading up to the decision to start taking hormones. Since then, I’ve had a lot of time to talk to folks, and I’ve realized a lot of other indicators that were present.

I’m writing this only four months into my journey, and I feel no regrets.

Nothing has really changed physically about me, but I feel like I can finally look at myself in the mirror without feeling weird. I’ve been feeling better, I’ve been feeling lucid, overall, I’ve just been feeling more comfortable in my own skin.

I want to take the time to reflect on all the other ways that I’ve been feeling awesome and great in a separate dedicated post, if I can.

Thank you for taking the time to read this far. I’m thankful for the support, and I’m extremely hopeful for what my future holds.

Most people that would be reading this likely already know me by this name, but it’s in the website name…

From here on out, I’m Mona, we need to be absolutely thorough in using this code name from now own.

Yes, I would name myself after the animal mascot from the game persona 5, why do you ask?

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